Right now.

I am getting haunted by that feeling again. Again, after months, the voice in me is screaming loudly ‘I wanna die’. But I don’t want to die. Then I don’t know why on the inside I am so agonized that in spite of spending a good weekend with my husband and after a hearty meal, am I shouting ‘I want to die.’ I know my dark patch is over. I can see the light by the end of gloomy tunnel. But to step into light and bask in sun, I need to make efforts. Efforts that I am trying to make,with all my heart, but are taking every ounce of my energy, every bit of me.

Its been two hours now that I have been trying to blog something interesting, something cheerful, thoughtful. Having read many posts and scrolling Daily prompts words up to months, I am here writing this post, I never wanted to and not proud of.

But now after admitting and writing this much, I am feeling relaxed. My inner voice has silenced. And it is very surprising. The words I am typing is only what I am hearing now.  What had changed?  There was no retrospection. No efforts to correct anything seemingly wrong. Neither have I submerged my self to games to movies which will just keep my mind off my inner voice.

Was this all I needed to do to relax It? How it happened and why it worked? I don’t know. Oh My God. This is so unbelievable. I can feel the coolness in breathe again. Earlier it was like I was in some different space with hot stale air around. But I am ready to sleep now. Feeling hopeful again. Feeling connected to my creative side again. Feeling Lively. Maybe I’ll have something better to write tomorrow.

I love God. And I know God loves me.

Sanjna Rai.

P.S: I am sorry for this post. I published this only because it is only this blog that has helped me through. With this blog, I feel connected and validated. But I might delete this post in morning. No rude comments please as I already have a lot of negativity to deal with.

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Connections

that feeling of love,

that first zing,

that hesitation to talk,

that alone sing,

 

that fast heartbeat,

those searching eyes,

that constant smile,

those dreamy nights,

 

that cool breeze,

that shy chats,

that hour like minute

and minute like hours,

 

all that’s felt

all that’s said

all that’s accepted,

all that’s left,

all those connections,

were they real or just

Elusive.

~Sanjna Rai

‘Maybe’ on Our Existence!

Maybe, we are just an amuse game on God’s Mobile, just like the ones we play. And time and again, God just got busy with another lives in game while ours’ turn bad and we pray for His blessings.

Maybe, like we can’t hear the dolphin’s communication frequency, there are small invisible creatures, God’s helpers, who sits on our shoulders and keep account of all the good and bad things we do in our lifetime.

Maybe God is really one cute chubby kindhearted man who is just interested in creating sculptors while demon turns them into life and sends on earth to play brutal life game.

Maybe fairies are real. Some good and some notorious. The good ones who actually change seasons and help animals and others just stealing away our small-important things to be found years later at completely unimaginable place. 🙂

Maybe there are two parallel universes to ours, one where everything happens few seconds after and other where everything is happening a few moments ahead. And somewhere between all three universes there is an overlap when actions pass from one universe to other. And Maybe one day we could travel across.

Maybe I already have published this article years ago in some other universe. Or maybe I am some other species there, like rabbit or a bird or a bee…aahh that would be so tiring.

I am getting so involved in this alter universes. I need to stop thinking about or maybe I got transported to one of them during sleep tonight. I hope not. 🙂

Hope to see you guys tomorrow here.

Sanjna Rai.

 

Clock Slaves

Just because finite things makes sense to us human beings, we limited Time..an Infinite time, with Clock.

Clock has grown with humans, has changed in sync with humans. From the very first Sundial, to highly engineered Digital watches today, we have been splitting the time to microseconds-nanoseconds-to the minutest level we can go. And use it to measure everything. It have become our sole unit of measurement. We measure our life in terms of age, our performance in terms of deadlines, our perfection in form of Timers, our efficiency in terms of who does everything on time.

Clock has proven to be an inseparable entity of human life. While we try to outrun time, our life’Time’ outruns us.

Trying not to be a Clock slave…

Sanjna Rai.

 

Sanctuary

Till date, to me, Sanctuary meant a reserve park only and I have never been to one. So I initially thought, word sanctuary is more inclined towards stories and incidents in reserve park than emotions and thoughts.

When I google the meaning/definition of sanctuary, I was surprised to know it is much more than a reserve park. As per dictionary it is a place of refuge or safety. Synonyms being refuge, oasis, retreat, hideout, hideaway, shelter, protection, immunity, asylum. With deeper understanding of the word, I am here searching my memory box to relate with it.

Being a daughter to single mom, I was always taught to portray strength, mostly emotional than physical. When I was a kid, I was asked to go to market alone to buy small things like grocery items. That simple act helped me overcome my fears of strangers, built up my confidence, taught me to be always aware of your surroundings and be attentive  when new anywhere. But farther I moved away from the safe shelter of my mom, to hostel for higher studies and then for my job, more strongly I felt the need to be emotionally independent.

There were times when I had to cope up with eve-teasing, while travelling mainly…. People were always around me, my classmates, colleagues. But I could never seek comfort in them due to the fear of my weakness exploited by them. And neither could I call up my mom as she will be worried sick sitting so far off. I had to take matter in my own hands and fight for my own. Many a times, I was able to stand up and act and some times there wasn’t enough time for me to overcome my hesitation-think-and act. Those were the times I wanted to sneak into my Sanctuary, my hideaway. And this hideaway used to be my room. I always made sure to get single occupancy room all for myself, be it during college or job. That was my personal corner of solace where no can see me weak. There I will watch a lot of animated movies (Tinker Bell tops the list). I would eat my favorite chocolate and will play party songs at full volume “on my earphones”. I would then order my favorite pizza and will talk to my sister not about me but about her life problems and will vent out my anger along with her :P. With my tummy full and aggression out, I will then brainstorm  myself to get to the reason why it happened, what I should have done and what will I do. Almost every time after all this, I ends up exhausting myself to the point to stop thinking and drift to sleep.:)

Next day is New day and New me. With my best dress on and my favorite breakfast down, I am all ready to grab the bull by horns…a definitive solution to all my problems. Will it be good or bad let time decide that. And in my case.. I have been lucky. 😉

Sanjna Rai.