Right now.

I am getting haunted by that feeling again. Again, after months, the voice in me is screaming loudly ‘I wanna die’. But I don’t want to die. Then I don’t know why on the inside I am so agonized that in spite of spending a good weekend with my husband and after a hearty meal, am I shouting ‘I want to die.’ I know my dark patch is over. I can see the light by the end of gloomy tunnel. But to step into light and bask in sun, I need to make efforts. Efforts that I am trying to make,with all my heart, but are taking every ounce of my energy, every bit of me.

Its been two hours now that I have been trying to blog something interesting, something cheerful, thoughtful. Having read many posts and scrolling Daily prompts words up to months, I am here writing this post, I never wanted to and not proud of.

But now after admitting and writing this much, I am feeling relaxed. My inner voice has silenced. And it is very surprising. The words I am typing is only what I am hearing now.  What had changed?  There was no retrospection. No efforts to correct anything seemingly wrong. Neither have I submerged my self to games to movies which will just keep my mind off my inner voice.

Was this all I needed to do to relax It? How it happened and why it worked? I don’t know. Oh My God. This is so unbelievable. I can feel the coolness in breathe again. Earlier it was like I was in some different space with hot stale air around. But I am ready to sleep now. Feeling hopeful again. Feeling connected to my creative side again. Feeling Lively. Maybe I’ll have something better to write tomorrow.

I love God. And I know God loves me.

Sanjna Rai.

P.S: I am sorry for this post. I published this only because it is only this blog that has helped me through. With this blog, I feel connected and validated. But I might delete this post in morning. No rude comments please as I already have a lot of negativity to deal with.

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