Out of dark tunnel, under the open Sky!

The last three months that I haven’t written, have been quite eventful. Though my last post was very heavy and I was dealing with those things for long time, but I must tell you those are the things of past now. Things have changed and I bet they have changed for good.

For starters, I have a job now. Yayyyyyy! A full time one. It is not what I am educated for, but It is far better than sitting idle at home surrounded by tv, mobile, Xbox and all sorts of time killing-virtual world gadgets.

I am all pumped up with positive energy. My job involves meeting a lot of people daily. So I have a lot of different personalities to talk too, a lot of things to learn about, and lot of situations to deal with. I was bit nervous on my first day, but now after two weeks I am happy as a lark.

It is like finally,  I have started living in States. I too have opinion on things because now I know a thing or two on my own. Now I have my personal experiences to about and not just what my husband shared. Now I do not shy away from asking questions about things I don’t know compared to times I used to stay quiet thinking people might consider me dumb. Now I take my time to frame sentences rather than blabbering words hastily.

Just two weeks in and I am more positive person now, more organized, more sorted out, more confident.

I am out of the dark tunnel I have been in for two years. I can feel the green grass under my feet and see the birds flying high in blue sky. I am now trying to get used to the sunlight and fresh air. I am nervous and excited both at the same time. I don’t want the fear and anxiety I am feeling with this huge change to make me crawl back in dark, cold tunnel. I can see so many new things and opportunities surrounding me. But I am shy to grab them yet. I want to take it slow and be prepared before jumping on one. I don’t know how past two years have changed me personally. I am yet to know myself once again and gain that confidence.

However bad was my experience in last two years, One thing I know for sure now, and that is that I know what path I don’t want to traverse again in lifetime. I learnt that a hard way but knowing this is good enough to keep me going.

Lesson learnt: Take decisions really thoughtfully and Always have a backup plan.

I hope you all have a good life.

Sanjna Rai

Right now.

I am getting haunted by that feeling again. Again, after months, the voice in me is screaming loudly ‘I wanna die’. But I don’t want to die. Then I don’t know why on the inside I am so agonized that in spite of spending a good weekend with my husband and after a hearty meal, am I shouting ‘I want to die.’ I know my dark patch is over. I can see the light by the end of gloomy tunnel. But to step into light and bask in sun, I need to make efforts. Efforts that I am trying to make,with all my heart, but are taking every ounce of my energy, every bit of me.

Its been two hours now that I have been trying to blog something interesting, something cheerful, thoughtful. Having read many posts and scrolling Daily prompts words up to months, I am here writing this post, I never wanted to and not proud of.

But now after admitting and writing this much, I am feeling relaxed. My inner voice has silenced. And it is very surprising. The words I am typing is only what I am hearing now.  What had changed?  There was no retrospection. No efforts to correct anything seemingly wrong. Neither have I submerged my self to games to movies which will just keep my mind off my inner voice.

Was this all I needed to do to relax It? How it happened and why it worked? I don’t know. Oh My God. This is so unbelievable. I can feel the coolness in breathe again. Earlier it was like I was in some different space with hot stale air around. But I am ready to sleep now. Feeling hopeful again. Feeling connected to my creative side again. Feeling Lively. Maybe I’ll have something better to write tomorrow.

I love God. And I know God loves me.

Sanjna Rai.

P.S: I am sorry for this post. I published this only because it is only this blog that has helped me through. With this blog, I feel connected and validated. But I might delete this post in morning. No rude comments please as I already have a lot of negativity to deal with.

‘Maybe’ on Our Existence!

Maybe, we are just an amuse game on God’s Mobile, just like the ones we play. And time and again, God just got busy with another lives in game while ours’ turn bad and we pray for His blessings.

Maybe, like we can’t hear the dolphin’s communication frequency, there are small invisible creatures, God’s helpers, who sits on our shoulders and keep account of all the good and bad things we do in our lifetime.

Maybe God is really one cute chubby kindhearted man who is just interested in creating sculptors while demon turns them into life and sends on earth to play brutal life game.

Maybe fairies are real. Some good and some notorious. The good ones who actually change seasons and help animals and others just stealing away our small-important things to be found years later at completely unimaginable place. 🙂

Maybe there are two parallel universes to ours, one where everything happens few seconds after and other where everything is happening a few moments ahead. And somewhere between all three universes there is an overlap when actions pass from one universe to other. And Maybe one day we could travel across.

Maybe I already have published this article years ago in some other universe. Or maybe I am some other species there, like rabbit or a bird or a bee…aahh that would be so tiring.

I am getting so involved in this alter universes. I need to stop thinking about or maybe I got transported to one of them during sleep tonight. I hope not. 🙂

Hope to see you guys tomorrow here.

Sanjna Rai.

 

Clock Slaves

Just because finite things makes sense to us human beings, we limited Time..an Infinite time, with Clock.

Clock has grown with humans, has changed in sync with humans. From the very first Sundial, to highly engineered Digital watches today, we have been splitting the time to microseconds-nanoseconds-to the minutest level we can go. And use it to measure everything. It have become our sole unit of measurement. We measure our life in terms of age, our performance in terms of deadlines, our perfection in form of Timers, our efficiency in terms of who does everything on time.

Clock has proven to be an inseparable entity of human life. While we try to outrun time, our life’Time’ outruns us.

Trying not to be a Clock slave…

Sanjna Rai.

 

Sanctuary

Till date, to me, Sanctuary meant a reserve park only and I have never been to one. So I initially thought, word sanctuary is more inclined towards stories and incidents in reserve park than emotions and thoughts.

When I google the meaning/definition of sanctuary, I was surprised to know it is much more than a reserve park. As per dictionary it is a place of refuge or safety. Synonyms being refuge, oasis, retreat, hideout, hideaway, shelter, protection, immunity, asylum. With deeper understanding of the word, I am here searching my memory box to relate with it.

Being a daughter to single mom, I was always taught to portray strength, mostly emotional than physical. When I was a kid, I was asked to go to market alone to buy small things like grocery items. That simple act helped me overcome my fears of strangers, built up my confidence, taught me to be always aware of your surroundings and be attentive  when new anywhere. But farther I moved away from the safe shelter of my mom, to hostel for higher studies and then for my job, more strongly I felt the need to be emotionally independent.

There were times when I had to cope up with eve-teasing, while travelling mainly…. People were always around me, my classmates, colleagues. But I could never seek comfort in them due to the fear of my weakness exploited by them. And neither could I call up my mom as she will be worried sick sitting so far off. I had to take matter in my own hands and fight for my own. Many a times, I was able to stand up and act and some times there wasn’t enough time for me to overcome my hesitation-think-and act. Those were the times I wanted to sneak into my Sanctuary, my hideaway. And this hideaway used to be my room. I always made sure to get single occupancy room all for myself, be it during college or job. That was my personal corner of solace where no can see me weak. There I will watch a lot of animated movies (Tinker Bell tops the list). I would eat my favorite chocolate and will play party songs at full volume “on my earphones”. I would then order my favorite pizza and will talk to my sister not about me but about her life problems and will vent out my anger along with her :P. With my tummy full and aggression out, I will then brainstorm  myself to get to the reason why it happened, what I should have done and what will I do. Almost every time after all this, I ends up exhausting myself to the point to stop thinking and drift to sleep.:)

Next day is New day and New me. With my best dress on and my favorite breakfast down, I am all ready to grab the bull by horns…a definitive solution to all my problems. Will it be good or bad let time decide that. And in my case.. I have been lucky. 😉

Sanjna Rai.

Punishment-an aid to learning?

Punishment, rather unsettling but another great word that will again take me down the memory lane, as daily prompts have done so far. So let’s get done with this word and start our relaxing weekend.

Punishment, as I have gathered while studying learning theories in Psychology course during my Bachelor degree of Education, should always be positively reinforced if you want a constructive learning or a favorable outcome. But practically, there are only few enlightened minds who manages to work around the margin where punishment can easily leave a negative mark.

All different reinforcement theories we read during that one year course, always remain in books. Never asked or taught to put them in our teaching practices. (You can read the theories on wiki here or google them.)

As far as my personal experience goes, I have always been a, somewhat, careless kid. One who forgets to prepare for a test, or leave homework behind, or be late for school. Many a times I was also punished for things I didn’t do or maybe did unknowingly like giggling on silly jokes amidst class or ended up caught in a bunch of talkative students or a victim of silly acquisitions like she got my pen etc. I never have to experience a bad-bad punishment but I have seen my fellow classmates been victim to them. I think their condition was enough for me to be a good kid.

As I moved in middle school 7th grade, I remember an incident that gave me learning of the lifetime. I have followed it and it had helped me in my confusion since.

So I used to be very active onstage, always participating in group dance or group singing performance for annual fest. It was a week before annual fest. The day when our school Principal would see our month-long preparation. Everybody was at their best behavior. The supervising teachers were mending their groups and keep things going.

For all the singing performances, there was one girl Tina from 11th grade, (Indian schools offer classes from L.K.G to 12th in same campus) who was assisting our music teacher with music on keyboard. Play was performed first, then our dance items. A group song and National Anthem were in line that marks the closure of fest.

Group song went well. But during National Anthem, music went astray and the singers stopped singing in middle. Everyone was confused and supervisor was trying her best to get things straight quickly which wasn’t happening. This was enough to annoy our Principal and she quickly asked music teacher to replace Tina for entire fest.

Just a week left and such a change was terrifying. Finally music teacher asked Tina to leave for the day. Instead of leaving, Tina went to the Principal on stage and told her that she didn’t jumbled up the keys. Somebody passing by got stuck in the wires when she was playing. Everybody calmed down and this time the performance went well.

It was just a small incident but I was amazed by the daring Tina showed. Instead of accepting the “punishment”, which I was accustomed to do till then, she stood up and voiced it wasn’t her fault at first place.

I asked her that how can she even think to approach the Principal and set the records straight in front of whole school. To what she said, “Never be silent if it’s not your mistake and always accept it when it is.” That is it, the golden rule of my life. I learned not from books but from experience. Till date, I never fear to say truth and was never punished for what I haven’t done.

I am looking forward to teach this to my kids too (of course, when I’ll have some :P). Let me know what your experiences have been and how it changed your life.

With a positive memory  and happy smile,

Sanjna Rai.

 

 

Carefree

Carefree!!

Yet another word presented by The Daily Post to ponder over!

It sounds so simple and yet so difficult to attain in its fullest. What do you say who is carefree? Birds, Animals, our pets or We – humans? I think nobody is.

After all, birds and animals have to forage for food for themselves and their little ones. Be it any weather. Pets are always attentive and they have an unsaid rule in their little brains to protect us. However distress the situation is.

Carefree in its literal meaning is to be free from anxiety or responsibility, to be peaceful at heart. The condition where nothing can bother us or our peacefulness. Not the monthly bills, not the credit card bills, not the kids’ sickness and not even a simple act as timely grocery shopping. It is next to impossible.

In today’s world, to be carefree needs self awareness and a lot of organisation. We need to be Self-aware in terms of our income, expenses and our resources; Organised enough that the things happens on scheduled time. It has zeroed down to simple flawless management and being ready for almost all risks the life would present to us.

We often relate the word with one’s nature and nowadays there is a very thin line between being carefree and careless. I sometimes think, does anyone exist in our world who is truly carefree, who is truly happy at heart and tension free? Is there any person who is content with his own, no burden of finances or worries of dependents? If there is, then that’s the person I would like to be – Carefree.

I think a person who is always on vacation, roam all around the world and click pictures of interesting places would be the one. Don’t you think!?

But then, Does he acquire the state all by his own. or the work of people surrounding him is also in play. Such as his/her parents have saved enough or say planned good enough to live happily, siblings are all well settled, he/she never fell in love with wrong person and if she does she came out stronger. She has acquired enough skills to cope the bad situations or circumstances. I mean that’s a lot of dependency.

Now let’s consider a guy with family of four. A happy family. Kids doing good in school and wife efficiently managing home. This is, I guess, 70% of families today. For this guys to be carefree, he first of all should have enough to meet all desires of kids and wife and his own. Secondly, should be skilled enough to be in good terms with his boss and colleagues. Thirdly, should be adventurous enough to break the boring monotony of life.

And I think this is all we are working for to achieve in life. To be carefree, to be free, the ultimate happiness.

Some would say, being carefree is just a matter of positive attitude. You don’t worry about petty things and there you go, you are carefree. Contend and happy with life. But my friend, that is not easy. Having a healthy positivism is good but focusing so hard on positive that you miss the negatives, or risks building up, can shatter you.

I am trying to be Carefree. Working on my sketches, looking and capturing things through lens, reading non-fiction etc. It has given me peace but still the state of carefree-ness is far ahead.

Let me know what do you do to be carefree and calm. I would love to try new things (as I have lots of spare time!)

Have a Good day!

Sanjna Rai

 

 

 

 

 

Depth

Depth is a word with so many meanings, so many aspects and so many emotions.

Depth can be related to physical or say geographical meaning where the understanding is numeral and quiet clear. Depth can go deep deep into emotions where understanding the true feelings is difficult.

All of us have a depth in our character, the level to what things make sense. The level till where things are right and beyond what they start going wrong. It is different for everyone and sometimes so opposite that understanding the person just seems impossible. For what is wrong for us is right for other. and I believe, somewhere, it is a result of our experiences, the situations we faced, the values we grew up with and the number of times we have tested those values. I think this is what creates a depth in a person.

As I am talking about depth in human nature, I am also relating it with one other thing we often talk. ART!

IMG_20150429_140405

Art in any form. Like the above sketch I drew on a plane paper has depth and an added dimension. Be it a canvas paints, be it theatrical, be it dance, sculpting or anything that we do. I think all hobbies have a certain level of depth too. The depth of your passion. The depth to which you can relate yourself with a particular activity. The depth of feeling, satisfaction, emotion, peacefulness you experience while doing it.

Depth can take any form good, bad, evil, wonderful anything that you make it. Like depth of love felt by a mother for her children, or depth of sadness when you lose someone , or depth of anger when you experience injustice. or  lets feel the depth of happiness when you see a blooming flower, the depth of calmness while meditating, the depth of awe when you see some great wonder like think of seeing Northern lights across sky.

Writing about the word ‘Depth’ today I think I gained an insight, a little more understanding of myself. It is like knowing how much I love some things and how much time I have wasted not doing anything for it.

I think from now onward I will make a difference to identify and achieving the things I love. And So Will You!

God Bless.

Sanjna Rai

I got an Aim today!!

Hi everyone!

As long as I can remember, my fondness for animation dates back to being a child. I have always loved the cartoons on TV and try to watch them whenever I get a chance. I think cartoons were the main reason for me to start tracking time and day so that I don’t miss the latest broadcast (there were no DVR’s to record stuff back than…).

My recent move to States without job is stressful for me in every aspect. Be it family or relationships, communication, being social, personal growth everything is getting impacted. Adding to that, is my need and anxiety to find a job. With my last job, the freedom and independence I got, I am getting too desperate of a good job here and start earning. I want a job not just for money but my personal satisfaction too…To feed my creativity and be feel productive.

So, Today while watching another Pixar movie (watching animation is always stress buster for me) after the movie ends there were interviews and behind-the-scenes shots of the movie. They included the whole movie making process through director’s seat.

While watching library rented dvd of Toy Story, it just clicked that I love animation so much and deep within I always wanted to be an animator. But then the effort to clear GRE/GMAT(whatever is required to get admission) and applying for animation course or anxiety to change my line of work or say devote 3-5 yrs to build a resume in animation was something I always shrug my shoulder at.

However, Today I feel that spark, that urge to really aim for it, to see things differently, that it is just matter of me working for things I want to make happen. I can remain working as current profile and start gathering knowledge for my ultimate goal. Than maybe with money I earn over time and experience, I will be able to achieve my interest and land on something concrete.

Today I am feeling alive, happy and that go-for-it feel to work and  prove myself that I can achieve what I desired.

I wish you all have the your dream jobs.

Sanjna Rai.

First blog post

being in solitude and self-induced depression for a year or so, and now after reconnecting to my own self while being with friends and family I am trying to get out of the void and have a fresh look at life.

I have created this site in a hope that writing down my feelings, beliefs and thoughts and sharing with you all might motivate me to do better in life.

I want to have a sort of personal catalog to record how my thinking change with time and situation and maybe someday I might learn from my experience and grow as a person.

In a quest to learn about technology, God, or gathering knowledge about things and people around us, I want to learn more about myself who I am, why do I act the way I act. Simply putting, I now want to be true to myself and learn.

so I am not hoping to have a lot of views or comments or growth in my writing skills.

It is just that I am trying to Voice my thoughts so one day maybe I can evaluate that if I meet my own self would I like her and if not then why.

I believe in love and only love can help us all but before longing for it we need to learn to give love.

Sanjna Rai.