Out of dark tunnel, under the open Sky!

The last three months that I haven’t written, have been quite eventful. Though my last post was very heavy and I was dealing with those things for long time, but I must tell you those are the things of past now. Things have changed and I bet they have changed for good.

For starters, I have a job now. Yayyyyyy! A full time one. It is not what I am educated for, but It is far better than sitting idle at home surrounded by tv, mobile, Xbox and all sorts of time killing-virtual world gadgets.

I am all pumped up with positive energy. My job involves meeting a lot of people daily. So I have a lot of different personalities to talk too, a lot of things to learn about, and lot of situations to deal with. I was bit nervous on my first day, but now after two weeks I am happy as a lark.

It is like finally,  I have started living in States. I too have opinion on things because now I know a thing or two on my own. Now I have my personal experiences to about and not just what my husband shared. Now I do not shy away from asking questions about things I don’t know compared to times I used to stay quiet thinking people might consider me dumb. Now I take my time to frame sentences rather than blabbering words hastily.

Just two weeks in and I am more positive person now, more organized, more sorted out, more confident.

I am out of the dark tunnel I have been in for two years. I can feel the green grass under my feet and see the birds flying high in blue sky. I am now trying to get used to the sunlight and fresh air. I am nervous and excited both at the same time. I don’t want the fear and anxiety I am feeling with this huge change to make me crawl back in dark, cold tunnel. I can see so many new things and opportunities surrounding me. But I am shy to grab them yet. I want to take it slow and be prepared before jumping on one. I don’t know how past two years have changed me personally. I am yet to know myself once again and gain that confidence.

However bad was my experience in last two years, One thing I know for sure now, and that is that I know what path I don’t want to traverse again in lifetime. I learnt that a hard way but knowing this is good enough to keep me going.

Lesson learnt: Take decisions really thoughtfully and Always have a backup plan.

I hope you all have a good life.

Sanjna Rai

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Right now.

I am getting haunted by that feeling again. Again, after months, the voice in me is screaming loudly ‘I wanna die’. But I don’t want to die. Then I don’t know why on the inside I am so agonized that in spite of spending a good weekend with my husband and after a hearty meal, am I shouting ‘I want to die.’ I know my dark patch is over. I can see the light by the end of gloomy tunnel. But to step into light and bask in sun, I need to make efforts. Efforts that I am trying to make,with all my heart, but are taking every ounce of my energy, every bit of me.

Its been two hours now that I have been trying to blog something interesting, something cheerful, thoughtful. Having read many posts and scrolling Daily prompts words up to months, I am here writing this post, I never wanted to and not proud of.

But now after admitting and writing this much, I am feeling relaxed. My inner voice has silenced. And it is very surprising. The words I am typing is only what I am hearing now.  What had changed?  There was no retrospection. No efforts to correct anything seemingly wrong. Neither have I submerged my self to games to movies which will just keep my mind off my inner voice.

Was this all I needed to do to relax It? How it happened and why it worked? I don’t know. Oh My God. This is so unbelievable. I can feel the coolness in breathe again. Earlier it was like I was in some different space with hot stale air around. But I am ready to sleep now. Feeling hopeful again. Feeling connected to my creative side again. Feeling Lively. Maybe I’ll have something better to write tomorrow.

I love God. And I know God loves me.

Sanjna Rai.

P.S: I am sorry for this post. I published this only because it is only this blog that has helped me through. With this blog, I feel connected and validated. But I might delete this post in morning. No rude comments please as I already have a lot of negativity to deal with.